Changing America, One Run at a Time
When we got our power bill last month, I almost pooped my pants. The power company (AEP) must have looked at our average bill and said, “What is this? An electric bill for ants? It needs to be at least…three times this size!” because that’s almost how high it was. Later, at the gym on the elliptical, with my attention split between watching people run on the treadmill (I’ll admit it. I sometimes hope someone will fall off Biggest-Loser style.) and the news which was centered on healthcare, medical problems and the energy crisis, I came up with an unbeatable (and genius, in my opinion) solution to all these problems. Before I do, I should mention that a similar solution was proposed at runnersworld.com, so don’t think I’m a plagiarizer, but I definitely came up with this idea on my own prior to reading the article.
So, here’s the plan. Add enough money to the new $3.8 trillion budget for 2010 to install tread
mills or stationary bikes in every house in America. I mean, really, once you spend 3.8 trill are you going to notice a few extra dollars? These treadmills or stationary bikes will produce the energy needed to provide electricity in your house. Every home in America will have to spend time each day running/riding to produce enough energy to turn the lights and heat on in their house. Don’t feel like running today? You must not want to watch TV either bc you can’t turn that on without electricity. Don’t want to ride the bike today? Too bad your coffee maker uses electricity. You’re going to have a wicked headache. Get the idea? For extra motivation, each house will have one of those Big Brother-style screens (not like that ridiculous reality show but George Orwell-style as depicted in the first, amazing Apple commercial) with Jillian Michaels yelling at you. I imagine her screaming phrases like “Keep going until you puke or die!” and “I’m going to rip your arm off!” and then she’ll become nice Jillian and accuse you of having unresolved issues in your life. Also, I’m in the midst of developing an “Adopt-an-old-person” person program where people adopt those who can’t run or spin to help them keep their houses lit and warm. No worries, I’m not an ageist.
So, here we have it. Energy crisis: solved. People will use their own energy to provide electricity for their houses. 
Overweightness problem: solved. People have to exercise to have electricity in their houses. Healthcare bill: forgotten. People who are in good health have fewer health problems.
While this doesn’t solve all of our country’s problems, it does solve a few. With my new plan, you won’t poop your pants when you see your electricity bill (bc you won’t have one) though you might when you eat too much chili and then jump on the treadmill for your daily run. Oh well, I don’t have a solution for all of life’s problems.
