2010

Well it’s February.  Last year there were goals I set for myself, things I wanted to do.  I feel like the clock is ticking and in about 2 years I will be 30 so there are things I HAVE to finish and accomplish by then.  What are those things?  I’m not going to tell you but if I actually do them then I’ll tell you.  So last year I had this list of stuff and I thought to myself, self, you are going to do this stuff so I labeled 2009 as the “Year of the Impossible.”  Last year the movie Amelia came out and I took it as a sign. 

So probably not a good example because, well, she crashed.  For me 2009 really did turn out to be the year of the impossible.  Did I actually finish anything I set out to do in 2009? Um, no.  I am closer than I was before.  I’ve made huge progress.  I’ve learned what it is to have something to do everyday which I believe is taught in AA but whatever I probably do drink too much wine (and yes I went to Liberty, ewps).  So maybe what I’ve learned is that if you set out to achieve or accomplish something that maybe it won’t be done in a large, grand, sweeping, Hollywood kind of way.  It will be more like a pain filled, hacking, stumbling, coughing and faint at the finish line sort of way.  And maybe God does not want us to do things right when we or everyone else expects us to but when he is ready for us to finish the good work he started in us.  The Green Letters says that when God wants to make a squash he takes a few weeks but when he wants to make an oak tree he takes years and years and YEARS.  So, I don’t think New Year’s Resolutions are actually bad because they show me yes, you fail.  And you don’t do what you should and things don’t always work out the way you planned.  That’s not so dangerous.  What will kill and destroy and make regret is when you walk away entirely.  When you give up.  When it’s not worth it, too hard, takes too much faith.  The curiousity of what could be should always outweigh the animosity of what is not…so I will keep trying in 2010.  Why not.

So Amazon.com delivered Dead Poet’s Society to my door the other day and that’s pretty much an all time favorite.  When I was younger I cried my teenage eyes out at that movie and determined to carpe diem every freaking day.  The funny thing is that you wake up one day and have bills, work a million hours a week, have a blackberry, responsibilities, Jilian Michaels screaming at you, etc.  And when you get older you get TIRED.  Carpe NAP time is more appropriate when you eat most of your meals from a take out container and are staring down 30.  So I left a doctor’s appointment on Monday and just went for a drive.  No Target, no phone, no happy hour.  I live in the kind of place where you can drive 20 minutes and be at the beach and yet I don’t go that much.  So I went to the beach.  And I carpe diam-ed.   The beach is still the beach but we all need to still see it once in awhile to put things in perspective, ie we are small and have very little control.  So keep the faith.  Ok, goodnight.

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